Zivaisms
by Porcuswine
Summary: One-shots about Ziva David, her funny "zivaisms" and everyone else in Team Gibbs.
1. Everything but the Kitchen Sink

_Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own anything about NCIS. Everything about that wonderful show belongs to it's rightful owners. All I can do is watch the episodes, write and dream about Team Gibbs.  
_

_Summary: Stories about Ziva David, her funny "zivaisms" and everyone else in Team Gibbs._

_A/N: This is the second version of this chapter. The mainline is the same, I just added some things to it. Basically, made it better. I realized the things I wrote back then were not very good, so I have taken the task of rewriting all the chapters (or at least the ones I believe need rewriting) in this series of one-shots.  
_

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"You sure you looked everywhere?" The furious voice of Leroy Jethro Gibbs rang loud and clear in an overly large hallway. It almost echoed back from the walls.

Tony appeared from the kitchen. "Everywhere but the kitchen sink."

"Kitchen sink?" Ziva furrowed her brow in confusion. "Why would anyone with a little bit of brains hide the murder weapon in a kitchen sink?"

While Gibbs and Tony just chuckled unhelpfully, McGee rushed to explain. As always he was the most kind-hearted one.

„It's just an idiom," he assured her. „It's not supposed to make sense."

Gibbs turned his back to his team, studying the wall carefully. "It means we've looked anywhere and still didn't find that damn knife." Gibbs was pissed. It was never a good thing. To Ziva, he most of all reminded something that was going to explode. But if Gibbs didn't happen to be a suicide bomber the thought was ridiculous.

"Oh, I checked the kitchen sink. I looked in it, beneath it, near it, next to it, even above it. You can not say we have not checked the kitchen sink."

"Does this house have a basement?" Gibbs asked, completely ignoring his disputing team.

„Uh..." Tony started, but fell silent when he noticed the look in Gibbs' eyes.

The former Marine raised his hands slightly in frustration. „Well?" he demanded.

"The owner said it doesn't," McGee quickly blurted out.

"I know what the owner said."

Gibbs turned back to face the wall. he studied it, his eyes scrutinizing every inch of it. Finally he stopped just before the front door. He slid his hand over the wall and smiled at it in contentment.

The team squinted their eyes to see what Gibbs had found. The door next to the entrance was almost completely invisible. Only subtle lines on the wall betrayed it's presence. Very, very subtle lines. The fact that the wall had a checkered tapestry on it wasn't very helpful either.

Gibbs took his pocket knife out of his jeans pocket and slid the blade into the crack. He opened the door with a menacing creak and revealed the entrance to the basement.

"Yes, this is definitely one place we didn't look at," McGee said with disbelief.

Suddenly a woman appeared at the main door. "Have you finished yet?" she asked very impatiently. „'Cause I have things to do here and..." Then her eyes fell on the now-open door.

Gibbs' eyes followed her gaze. "Nope," he answered. "You didn't tell us you have a basement."

The woman stuttered. Her eyes had widened and she looked about ready to bolt from there. "Uh, that one..." she started, her voice shaky. „I- I forgot about it. I... um... I don't go there very often."

Gibbs half-smiled and started descending down the stairs into the basement. "We'll talk about this later." Then he turned to his team. "McGee, keep an eye on her."

"See, I told you I was right," Tony continued their little debate.

Ziva turned at him, her eyes flashing. "No, you said that we didn't check the kitchen sink. The place we didn't check was basement."

Tony's face screamed for help. "It's just an expression, you know. It doesn't actually mean any sink. It simply means we haven't checked some place."

„Whatever, your language is a total mess."

Tony turned his face to the ceiling. "Oh Good Lord, please help me explain the meaning of our good old American sayings to this insane woman. At least someday if not right now."

Ziva turned to stare at him, a surprised look adorning her features. "I didn't know you were religious," she stated.

"I'm not," Tony replied, surrendering. "I keep those phrases for extreme situations."

Ziva made a sound like an angry cat. Tony just grinned at her.

"You two coming?" Gibbs yelled from somewhere below. He didn't sound particularly happy, though it was hard to tell if they had a floor between them. But Gibbs, one could always assume that in this kind of situation he would never be happy.

"On your six, boss."

They went down by a narrow spiral staircase. The basement was dark as pitch. Clatter made by Gibbs sounded somewhere to their right.

"And I checked the kitchen sink," Ziva hissed just before they reached Gibbs. Tony threw his hands up in exasperation.

They made their way towards where Gibbs was making some very weird noises. He probably wouldn't leave this basement in a very good order. He was showing light on the stuff with a flashlight. "Hey, boss, why don't you turn on the lights?" Tony asked and soon felt a hand meet the back of his head. He could only wonder how Gibbs found him in that darkness, seeing as he had left his flashlight onto the pile of things he was studying.

"If you can find me one switch I will be eternally grateful to you."

Tony's eyes widened hopefully. "You will?"

"No."

Tony turned away to look for a switch. "Yeah, that's our boss," he mumbled, hoping to be quiet enough so that Gibbs wouldn't hear him. What he forgot, though, was Gibbs' exceptional hearing.

"I heard that, DiNozzo," he said and continued shifting through piles of trash.

"Sorry, boss."

Suddenly the lights were turned on, illuminating the entire room. Gibbs and Tony both looked around in surprise.

"Good job, DiNozzo," Gibbs praised, sounding pleased.

As much as he would've loved to say it was his accomplishment, he couldn't. "I didn't do it," he said. Then he looked around and discovered they were one short. "Where's Ziva?"

Gibbs glanced around the room too, but the Israeli was gone.

"She was here just a moment ago," Tony contemplated.

"Gibbs," a voice said from the doorway, making them all jump in surprise. Well, Tony at least. He was sure Gibbs jumped too, just not visibly. Maybe his heart jumped a little in his chest. Not a mile, as the saying was, but maybe a foot?

They turned their eyes to the doorway and saw Ziva standing there, holding up an evidence bag containing a bloody knife.

"Good job," Gibbs said and this time he really meant that. "Our work here is done."

"Yes, yes." Tony sounded a little bit too happy of getting out of there. "Thank you, boss," he said as Gibbs slapped him on the back of the head.

"Where did you find it?" Tony asked his partner quietly when they made their way back upstairs.

Ziva turned to look at him for a moment, then let out a small chuckle. "It was in the basement sink."

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_Please review._


	2. It Takes Two to Tango

_This is the second version of this chapter, since I'm continuing with my plan to rewrite most of the chapters in this story.  
_

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Ziva David was doing her best not to burst into laughter as she watched two gown men fighting like children. Instead, she tried to put a look of annoyance on her face. She was succeeding quite well this far, but the burst of laughter was definitely not far.

"Hey, I didn't do it, okay?" McGee yelled.

"Well, someone obviously must have done it," Tony stated, glaring at his coworker accusingly.

"Whoever it was, it wasn't me!"

"Then who did that, ah?"

"I don't know. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Both men turned to look at Ziva. In Tony's opinion, she could have found a way to do that. She was a ninja after all, plus she was skilled in performing covert operations.

"Not me," she defended herself bemusedly.

Then it had to be you you," Tony decided, pointing a finger at McGee, who was sitting at his desk, the I-have-told-you-a-hundred-times-I-did-not-do-it-look adorning his features."Hey, I'm telling you," he said. „I. Did. Not. Do. It. Would you please leave me alone now?" he asked in exasperation.

"No, I will not. At least not before you tell me who did that."

"He does not know, Tony. Why do you not believe him?" Ziva asked.

"Because he's McGeek."

McGeek opened his mouth to object, but Tony cut him off.

"If you really didn't do it, which I seriously doubt in, then you must have seen who did," Tony pointed out. „You were here the whole time doing whatever you were doing that needed to be done in that little time."

McGee rolled his eyes. "No, Tony, I wasn't here the whole time," he stated. „At one point I went to the men's room."

"That was an ambush," Tony concluded, sounding like a judge reading out a verdict. „They waited for Probie to leave so they could damage my reputation."

He looked around suspiciously, as if hoping that perpetrators were still there, maybe peeking over the wall behind his desk, waiting to see his reaction. As he looked behind himself, his eyes again fell on the treacherous photos. Of course he saw a lot of people around the office, but none of them acted suspiciously.

"It has to be someone from this building," he cerebrated.

"You damage your reputation a lot more if you keep acting like a child whose school notebook has been ruined," Ziva reminded him, annoyance clearly audible in her accented voice.

"No, I have to catch the culprit. I have to get my revenge."

"You know, Tony, that Gibbs doesn't approve of revenge, if it's not him who's getting it," McGee noted.

"I don't care." There was a fanatic expression on Tony's face. "That person will pay for this."

"I think you have finally lost it, Tony," Ziva decided. „If you even had it. Should I call the loony-bin?" She picked up a phone to illustrate her words.

McGee chuckled and nodded in her direction, agreeing with what she'd said. "I would be really thankful if you'd do it. He's gone completely insane."

A hurt and blaming expression rose onto Tony's features. "Hey, you would be mad too if it was your desk. And I'm still not completely convinced you didn't do it. I have no evidence of your innocence. I have only your word. Probie's word is not enough for me," Tony said in one breath.

McGee looked like he desperately wanted to just hold up his hands and pray towards the Lord Almighty for Tony to finally shrug it off. "No, Tony, you're mistaken. I certainly would not have made such a scene. And I told you, I didn't do it. I don't even have this kind of pictures."

Tony obviously didn't believe him. Or didn't want to.

"Who knows what you have in a deeply encrypted corner of your computer. Nobody would ever gain access to that place anyway. Why couldn't you keep those pictures there? Give me a good reason."

"The reason is that I'm not into such things." He stopped under Tony's angry gaze. "And I am quite sure you aren't too," he offered carefully.

"Slightly better," Tony said.

The two NCIS agents stared at each other for a moment, but turned their eyes away when a well-known hand slapped them both on the back of their heads.

"He started it," McGee quickly protected himself.

"It takes two to tango," Gibbs stated, checking something from his computer.

Ziva's eyes widened in confusion. "Gibbs," she started, her tone giving away that she was questioning the older man's healthy mind. „They were not dancing. They were arguing," she crrected her boss.

All three men looked at the Israeli with strange eyes.

"What?" she asked in confusion.

Gibbs half-smiled at her.

"What?" she demanded again, a little more forcefully this time.

They were all silent.

Then the understanding dawned on her. All three men could see it take form in her eyes. "It's another silly American idiom, right?" she asked doubtfully.

The men nodded.

"These idioms are driving me up the hall!"

Tony snorted. He just couldn't help it.

"What now?"

"Wall," he corrected her with an amused smile. "Drive up the wall."

Ziva threw her hands up in silent exasperation. "What ever. Your language makes absolutely no sense."

"Yours either," Gibbs stated. He headed towards the elevator. "Ziva, with me. Better let the two of them finish their kindergarten games."

"We weren't playing kindergarten." Tony seemed offended.

"It certainly looked like that," Ziva stated and rushed after Gibbs.

"I was protecting my pride," Tony yelled after her as she jumped into the elevator at the last second.

"I wasn't playing kindergarten," he told McGee as if expecting his support.

His coworker only shrugged and said, "I'm not saying anything."

"What were they fighting about after all?" Gibbs asked Ziva once they were in the elevator.

Ziva chuckled. "Someone put some pictures on Tony's desk and on the wall behind his desk."

"Pictures of what?"

Ziva hesitated.

"Ziva?" Gibbs demanded.

"Men's genitals."

Gibbs kept his eyes on her a little while longer, as if making sure she was telling the truth. He seemed to decide she was. Then he burst out laughing. "That's something even I would have done."

Ziva looked at her boss in utter disbelief and confusion.

"You don't actually want to say that it was you, who-" Ziva couldn't finish that sentence, finding the thought too terrifying to voice it out loud.

"Of course not," Gibbs said, still chuckling. „It's just the best prank someone could ever play on DiNozzo."

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_I would like to thank you all for the nice reviews. They gave me such a good feeling when I checked my email :). If you have any suggestions how to improve my stories, feel free to let me know._


	3. It's Not Over Till The Fat Lady Sings

"So, you must not touch your coworkers without asking their permission. Touching them without their permission might be considered sexual harassment, and when..."

"Why do we have to take those lessons?" an annoyed voice asked.

Tony turned his head slightly to the left and looked at his very frustrated partner.

"It's not a lesson, Ziva, it's a sexual harassment meeting."

"What ever. Why do we have to be here?"

"Because it's mandatory for all agents. But mostly because Gibbs couldn't talk us out of here."

"He is not here," Ziva brought the point to Tony's attention.

"Yeah, he couldn't talk us out so he let us come here and made tracks."

Ziva turned her eyes to the window.

"Look at the Director," she ordered Tony.

Tony did and surprised. "Wow, what's wrong with her? I haven't seen her that mad since last week when Gibbs... well, you know what he did."

"Oh, yes. I know. Maybe she's the reason Gibbs is not here."

"That's possible. Wonder what he did this time." Tony was thoughtful for a while. "Maybe he asked her out?"

"No, that would not make her mad."

"No, probably not. But maybe he did that in a public place. Somewhere around that building. Maybe the other agents heard."

Ziva considered that.

"Unlikely. That would definitely make her mad but Gibbs is not that stupid."

"I hope not," Tony agreed with her. "Maybe he quarreled with her in front of the Director of the FBI or CIA or someone like that."

"Possible."

"Maybe he did something indecorous and that lady saw it." Tony pointed at the fat lady in front of the room. She was still talking about how bad sexual harassment was.

Ziva chuckled. "I would have liked to see that."

"Maybe he insulted some big noise."

"That wouldn't surprise me."

"Maybe he hit someone."

"Maybe."

"Maybe he shot someone."

"Maybe."

Tony was starting to get a little annoyed.

"Why do I have to come up with all the ideas?" he demanded. "You're not even listening to me."

Ziva seemed offended.

"I am listening to you. I just do not have any ideas to share."

"Oh, come one, one single idea." He showed Ziva one finger. "Just one."

"Maybe he Gibbs-slapped her," she offered.

"Nah, Gibbs would never hit a woman."

Ziva was surprised. "He has slapped me."

"Well, you're not a..." he stopped as he saw Ziva's expression. It didn't promise good to him anytime soon.

"You are a woman, you are just not like most women. You're different," he quickly corrected himself.

"Different good or different bad?"

"Different the way you want it to be."

Ziva smiled.

"Excuse me, are you two listening there?" the fat woman broke off their conversation and looked to the back of the room where they sat in the last row.

"Yeah, every word," Tony assured her. Ziva chuckled.

"When will it end?" Ziva asked her partner.

"It's not over till the fat lady sings," Tony said with a smirk.

"Are you saying that she is going to _sing_ at the end?" Ziva was almost shocked.

Tony laughed quietly. "I seriously hope not."

"So, do you have any questions?" the fat lady finally asked.

Ziva raised her hand.

"Yes?"

"I know that this may sound inappropriate but are you going to sing at the end of this meeting?"

Tony was shocked. "Ziva!" he hissed quietly.

"What?" the lady asked.

"Nothing," Tony quickly answered before Ziva could make the situation worse. "Nothing. False alarm. Misunderstanding. She said 'is the bell going to ring at the end'."

The woman looked at Tony and Ziva suspiciously but then turned back to the topic and answered others' questions.

"Hey, Tony, Ziva." The whisper came from their right. Abby was looking over McGee to talk to them.

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear what Gibbs did before that class? The reason why he isn't here now?"

"No, that's what we were discussing here."

"Wait a second," Abby told them and started writing a note. "I don't want to say it aloud here in case someone hears."

She finished the note, folded it up and gave it to McGee who gave it to Tony. Tony opened it and they read it together with Ziva.

In the note stood in Abby's handwriting: "He slapped Jenny on the butt and that fat woman saw it."


	4. The Taste of Your Own Medicine

Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo stepped out of the elevator and headed towards the bullpen in a lot better mood than an usual Monday morning. He considered his weekend well spent. He had watched three movies, met five beautiful women and the best of all, hadn't fallen sick. When he had left the office on Friday, there were approximately five to ten sick people. Today he noticed at least twenty.

It was a very nasty flu spreading around the NCIS office. Even though Ducky had a good medicine for it, some weaker ones had to stay home in sick. Somehow Tony had managed to escape the flu.

He was just remembering his amazing weekend when he reached the bullpen and heard a loud sneeze from McGee's desk and right after that a quieter one from his left. That caught him off his thoughts.

He could understand that McGee was sick. Probies always fell sick whenever there was an epidemic but... Ziva? She was never ill. She was like metal, she was... she was Ziva. Ziva just didn't fall sick. No disease was brave enough to make her sick.

But there she was, sneezing and snorting with a box of tissues on her desk. Even though Tony was glad to know that she was just a human after all, she wasn't the Ziva he was used see.

"Bless you both," he told them as a greeting and sat behind his desk.

"Morning, Tony."

The look in Ziva's eyes clearly told Tony, that even a single comment on her being sick would be a really bad decision.

"So, how was your weekend?" Tony unsuccessfully tried to keep their conversation.

"Nice and private," Ziva said in a conclusive tone. Tony understood she would not tell him more.

So, childish as he was, he decided to change the direction and start picking on McGee.

"So, Probie, how was your weekend? Caught up a little disease from somewhere?"

McGee gave him a displeased look.

"You think I'm gonna tell you?"

"I was hoping so. What did you do then that's such a secret?"

"What I did at the weekend is not a secret, Tony, it's just none of your business."

Tony didn't let the lack of his coworker's enthusiasm discourage him.

"You know, I could tell you about my weekend if you'd like to hear," he offered hopefully.

"No need to," Ziva broke in on their conversation. "I am pretty sure we both can imagine it quite well. Right, McGee?"

There was a slight clue in her last words which were meant to McGee. So slight that he almost missed it.

"Uh... yeah, I think so," McGee agreed before Tony could talk their ears off.

Ziva smiled contentedly and turned back to her partner.

"Lots of movies and women, yes?"

"Nah, that's just a bottom line. The whole story is much more interesting," he vaunted.

"Save it, DiNozzo."

Gibbs walked in with his usual cup of morning coffee.

"Morning, boss."

That really wasn't a story Tony would have liked for Gibbs to hear.

Suddenly Ziva and McGee sneezed in unison again. That caught Gibbs' attention.

"You two have taken Ducky's medicine?"

"I have," McGee assured him and moaned. "It doesn't seen to be working."

"Give it time," Gibbs advised and turned to Ziva. "And you?"

"I am fine, Gibbs."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow.

"No, you're not."

Ziva opened her mouth to object but Gibbs cut her off before she could even start.

"This is not a debate, Ziva. Go take the medicine, you are no use to me if you're sick."

Ziva found it pointless to object further and started heading towards the elevators. She answered Tony's smirk with a deadly glare.

Tony went over to McGee. "Hey, McIllness, maybe there's a reason the medicine isn't working," he offered.

"Yeah, and that would be what?"

"Maybe you don't have the flu. You could have, I don't know, sinusitis, pneumonia."

"Tony, it's definitely the flu."

Tony went on offering diseases that McGee could have. Obviously he got a bit excited at the thought. His proposed illnesses varied from simple influenza to something as illogical as a broken leg. McGee didn't even bother to figure out how he got to that solution.

There were already two people in the autopsy when Ziva reached it. A woman from the Legal Department and Joe the Janitor, as Gibbs liked to call him.

"Hi, Ducky," Ziva greeted the doctor and nodded politely at the other two people.

"Ah, Ziva, how nice to see you. Could you wait a second?

"Of course."

Ducky gave the others their medication in small plastic cups.

"And now I am all yours," he announced to Ziva when the others had left.

Ziva smiled.

"May I ask what brings you down here?"

"Gibbs," Ziva replied promptly. Then she sneezed again.

Ducky smiled understandingly.

"Bless you."

"Thank you."

Ducky looked at Ziva for a while as if he was gathering his thoughts.

"You know, there is nothing shameful about getting sick, my dear. It shows we are all just humans."

"I know, Duck."

"Here, take this," Ducky told Ziva as he handed her the medication, "you will be fine for tomorrow."

"McGee complained that it is not working."

"Well, every rule has an exception."

Ziva raised one dark eyebrow.

"If he won't feel better tomorrow, then he'll be fine for, well, the day after tomorrow."

Ziva drank the medicine with one sip and shivered.

"Wow, Ducky, you should really taste your own medicine," Ziva noted.

"You want to say that I have done something bad to you or somebody else?" Ducky asked with a look of concern on his face.

Ziva was confused. "Why do you think that?" she asked.

"Well, you know the idiom 'a taste of your own medicine'."

"Actually I do not."

"Oh, well then. It means when you are mistreated the same way you mistreat others," Ducky explained the Israeli with a quizzical look on his face.

"Oh, no, no. I did not mean it like that. What I wanted to say is that this," she pointed at the small empty plastic cup she was still holding, "medication has a particularly nasty taste."

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_So, this is the best I could come up with. I've had a bit of a writer's block lately and I hope it'll go over soon ;). But now about this chapter. I don't know where that idea came from, but it just popped into my head and even though I would hate to see Ziva sick, I had to write it down. Please review and let me know how I'm doing. Oh, and just to be sure, the woman from the Legal Department was not Lee. Just a totally random person._


	5. House Divided Against Itself

_The idiom used in this chapter is "The house divided against itself cannot stand". It was simply too long to fit fully in the chapters name._

* * *

"Gibbs took McGee with him?"

"Yes."

Tony was surprised and a little offended. "Why didn't he take me? He hasn't taken me with him for almost a week. I'm the senior field agent."

"You were not here," Ziva reminded him with an annoyed look. She had one very important email she had to send.

"I go to the men's room for only a minute and with that little time I miss another opportunity."

Ziva shrugged.

"That's the whole reason of calling it "field agent"! We go out to the _field_! What is he trying to make me? A senior _desk_ agent?"

Ziva didn't say a word.

"Well, that's just great."

Tony flumped down on his chair and stared at the screen of his computer. "I'm so tired of sitting here doing paperwork."

Ziva still didn't answer.

"I mean I don't even know why Gibbs is keeping me here, stuck behind that stupid desk. I haven't done anything wrong. At least not at his sight."

Still no answer.

"Hey, Ziva, you heard about that post office?"

That even had a little effect.

"The one where has been a little... trouble... recently?" Ziva chose her words carefully.

"Oh, there was certainly something more than just a little trouble. These guys were kinda like having a civil war there."

"Trouble anyway," Ziva stated.

"Yeah. That house exploded." Tony really enjoyed that he knew something Ziva didn't.

He continued as he saw her quizzical look.

"Someone put a bomb with a remote control in there," he explained.

"I am pretty sure that if it exploded there must have been a bomb, Tony," Ziva noted matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but the irony of that story is he did that in the middle of the night when the house was empty."

Ziva seemed surprised. "What terrorist would blow up a house when it is empty?"

"A stupid one."

"I mean, if I were a terrorist and going to blow up a house, I would pick a time when it is full of people," Ziva went on.

"But you are not a terrorist," Tony reminded her.

"I know, Tony."

"Yeah, that guy must've been either halfway around the world and unaware of the time difference and thought it's noon at States too. Or he was blind and didn't see whether it was day or night."

"Or it was an exceptionally friendly terrorist. Blew up the house but not the people," Ziva offered.

"There is no such thing as a friendly terrorist," Tony reminded his partner.

"Yes, I have noticed."

"That's what happens if there are so much problems in one house. Makes it an easy target."

"A house divided against itself will explode, yes?" Ziva stated proudly. She was so sure she got that one right. But as always, when she tried to use an idiom, she failed.

"Stand, Ziva," Tony automatically corrected her.

Ziva was confused.

"A house divided against itself will stand?"

Tony sighed.

"No, no 'will' in there. Will was in The Pirates of the Caribbean. A house divided against itself cannot stand."

"Who is Will?" Ziva asked curiously.

"He's a pirate."

"Ooh, another pirate. Like Jack Sparrow?"

"Captain Jack Sparrow," he tried to imitate Jack. "But I'm impressed. How do you know Jack Sparrow?"

"You told me once," Ziva reminded him.

"See, you're learning. I should make more movie references." Tony seemed happy at that thought.

"More than now?" Ziva was shocked. Tony already talked about movies at least half of his time.

"Yeah."

Ziva tried to forestall it but she was cut off.

"Forget it, DiNozzo." Gibbs said as he walked into the bullpen.

"Sorry, boss."

"Don't apologize, it's a..."

"...sign of weakness. Right."

"Gear up, let's go take a look at that explosion."

"The one in the post office?" Tony asked curiously.

"No, DiNozzo, the one in my basement."

Tony didn't fully catch Gibbs' tone. "Your basement exploded?"

But Gibbs was already entering the elevator.

"I believe it is called sarcasm, Tony," Ziva reminded him and rushed after Gibbs.

* * *

_And here's yet another chapter of Zivaisms. I am currently running low on ideas, so if you have any ideas you would like to share with me, or any idioms you would like to see done, just put it in your review or PM to me. I would really appreciate it. Thank you._


	6. Shoot Off One's Mouth

"Hello, gentlemen," Ducky greeted Tony and McGee.

"Hi, Ducky, what brings you up here?" McGee replied, throwing Tony an annoyed look. He had once again been annoying McGee for almost an hour.

Ducky immediately noticed the movement. He raised an eyebrow at them.

"Is there something wrong, Timothy?"

"No, no, Ducky, everything is completely fine," Tony assured Ducky before McGee could say a word.

"Hmm." Ducky looked thoughtful. "Anyway, could you tell me where Jethro is?"

"He went to interview Lieutenant's husband with Ziva."

"Is something wrong, Ducky?" McGee asked concerned.

"I was just performing an autopsy on our Lieutenant and found something rather curious. Poor woman was pregnant."

McGee looked startled.

"With twins," Ducky added.

"I... I'll give Gibbs a call," McGee assured.

"No need to," Tony interrupted and pointed at the elevator.

Gibbs and Ziva had just stepped out.

"Ooh, they don't look too happy," Tony commented with a horrified glare.

"Jethro," Ducky started, but Gibbs didn't even notice him. He almost ran up the stairs which lead to Jenny's office.

"Let him go, Duck, he'll come back sooner or later."

"I wouldn't be so sure, McGee, he looked as if he'd like to murder someone," Tony stated. Then he noticed the look on Ziva's face. "You don't look better either."

Ziva gave her partner a deadly glare.

"I would like to see your face after listening to some silly man rambling on and on about how good he is at mountain climbing."

"It's a good sport," Tony commented.

"Hi, Duck," Ziva greeted when she noticed Ducky. Then she turned her attention back to Tony.

"For you, maybe, but if any word of his story is true, I'll eat my computer!"

Tony gave her a skeptical look.

"Hey, the man was so fat he could barely stand," Ziva defended herself. "Why would any woman marry this kind of person. I have never seen more annoying person."

"Maybe you're being a little hard on him, my dear," Ducky interrupted. "After all, he did loose his wife today."

"I don't care," Ziva went on. "I would have really liked to shoot off his mouth."

Tony and McGee gave her horrified looks and then looked at Ducky for help.

Ducky carefully corrected her.

"I think the expression you're looking for is 'he was shooting off his mouth'."

Ziva didn't object but didn't agree either.

"Maybe, but at the moment I meant that literally."

McGee looked at her in terror and turned his eyes at Tony. There was a slightly amused look on the other agent's face as he looked at his very frustrated partner.

Said partner was currently turning on her computer, which had decided to pick this particular day to break down. There was a loud bang and there came a puff of smoke from the computer.

On any normal day, McGee would have rushed there to see what was wrong, but he appreciated his life more than the computer's and wisely stayed out of Ziva's reach.

She picked up her keyboard and hit the computer with it, as if that would repair it.

"Die, you stupid machine!" she yelled at the computer.

Any of her coworkers didn't dare to note her that the computer was already dead. They thought it best to leave her alone until she'd calm down.

But when they saw Gibbs coming down the stairs, they realized that that was not going to happen any time soon.

There was the exact same frustrated look on Gibbs' face when he rushed into the bullpen and straight to his desk.

He tried to turn on his computer, but the result was the same as the one that Ziva had gotten. Loud bang and a puff of smoke.

"Oh, goodie. Double jeopardy!" Tony mumbled.

"McGee!" Gibbs yelled.

"Boss?" McGee asked hesitantly.

"What the hell is wrong with those computers?"

"Uh, boss, I honestly don't know."

"Then find out. Quickly!"

"I'll find out quickly," McGee repeated and rushed to Gibbs' computer.

Tony had watched all this from behind his desk with an amused smile, till Gibbs' voice quickly brought him back to reality.

"DiNozzo," he shouted.

"Yeah, boss?"

"Get back to work."

"Getting back to work, boss."

Now it was McGee's turn to smile.

* * *

_Yay, I'm going to Israel! That's amazing, I still can't believe it! I can see Ziva's homeland! *jumping up and down on computer chair* Why do they say 'jump up and down'? When you jump up you don't need to jump down. You'll fall down due to Earth's gravity. Very weird..._


	7. All Work and No Play Makes Jack Dull Boy

_And I'm back from Israel. It was really not a good surprise to come back home and find out that here's snow. Yes, real snow. And in comparison to the 30 degrees and fully clear sky with a shining sun, that was rather unpleasant. Anyway, here's my next chapter, hope you enjoy it._

* * *

Very annoyed Ziva David was looking intently at her very slow computer. She was trying desperately to find a connection between the two victims of their last case. This far without any luck.

It wasn't helping either that her partner, Very Childish Agent DiNozzo was seemingly trying to do everything to annoy The Probie.

"How's your geekwork going, Probie?"

"Slowly."

McGee's lack of enthusiasm didn't seem to discourage Tony. Instead of leaving the other agent alone as any respectful person would have done, he waited a few minutes, until he was sure McGee was absorbed into his work and sneaked behind the younger man.

Tony watched his coworker's work for some time until McGee opened something on his screen that seemed to be a pretty important file. Then Tony quickly stretched out his hand towards McGee's keyboard and pressed "Delete".

McGee almost jumped a mile. He hadn't even noticed that Tony was behind him.

"Tony! What was that good for?" he cried out offendedly, causing Ziva to look up in irritation.

Tony made an innocent face.

"What?"

"Why'd you delete that file?"

"What file?"

"The file. The one that... that you deleted," McGee tried to explain.

Tony acted like he would have understood what he had done only now.

"Oh, you mean that file?"

"Yes, Tony, I mean that file, what is wrong with you?"

"Did I delete it?" Tony asked surprisedly.

McGee hit some keys on his keyboard.

"Yes you did."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it," Tony said in a regretting manner, which was clearly fake.

McGee hit some more keys and sighed with relief.

"But fortunately it only went as far as my trash can."

Tony smiled widely.

"Then what's the problem, Probey? Your precious file is still there and everything is OK."

McGee looked at Tony as if he had gone crazy. So did Ziva.

"Are you nuts, Tony?" she asked.

"No, why do you think that?" Tony asked in surprise.

Ziva looked confused.

"You sneak behind McGee, wait behind him and then try to delete something from his computer. You think that is normal?"

Tony pretended to think about it.

"Yeah," he finally decided. "Since McGeek's files didn't go anywhere."

Ziva looked at Tony, speechless. There was clearly something wrong him.

"You trying to catch flies with that mouth of yours, David?" Gibbs asked, walking into the bullpen with another coffee. It was his fourth cup today.

Ziva quickly closed her mouth.

Tony seemed glad to see their boss.

"You got another coffee, boss?" he asked enthusiastically.

Gibbs half-smiled with one corner of his mouth.

"Guess I did."

Tony nodded in approval.

"That's good. That's really good. Coffee's good. Yeah."

Gibbs looked like he was desperately holding back laughter when he watched Tony going back to his own desk still mumbling.

"Coffee's good... yeah, coffee's good... oh, Lord, I want coffee..."

Gibbs almost burst out in laughter, but he could hold himself back at the last moment.

"Go home, DiNozzo."

Tony's head shook up in disbelief.

"What?"

"You heard me. Go home. You're overworked."

Tony couldn't have looked more grateful if the Lord himself had come to him with coffee.

He quickly gathered his things and bowed to Gibbs in gratitude.

"God bless you, boss."

And with that he almost ran to the elevator before Gibbs could change his mind.

Ziva looked at Gibbs in surprise.

"Why did you send him home?"

Gibbs smiled. "Ah, you know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

There was a clear doubt in Ziva's dark eyes. Doubt over Gibbs' healthy mind.

"Jack?" she asked carefully.

"Yeah, Jack," Gibbs answered before taking a long sip from his black coffee.

Ziva was confused.

"Are we talking about the same Jack here?" she asked.

Gibbs looked at the Israeli amusedly.

"I don't know, Ziva, which Jack are you talking about?"

Now Ziva was almost sure that her boss had lost his mind too. What was wrong with those men today?

"I do not know which... Jack," she hesitated before saying that name, "you are talking about, but I am talking about Tony. Not Jack."

"Which Jack are you not talking about?" Gibbs teased Ziva.

Ziva was deeply confused now. Was he really talking about some Jack? And if so, which Jack then?

"I do not know any Jack, Gibbs."

McGee chuckled when he realized Gibbs was not going to explain this to her.

"What is so funny here?" she turned to the Junior Field Agent.

McGee quickly put up a serious face.

"It's just an expression, Ziva. It has nothing to do with any Jack."

"Then why didn't he say Tony instead of Jack. It would have made much more sense."

"No, no, Jack is just a random name put into that idiom. It doesn't mean anyone in particular. It's like... like John Doe. You wouldn't think that it's someone's real name, would you?"

Ziva was still confused.

"You are saying Tony is a John Doe now?"

McGee sighed and turned to Gibbs. "Boss, could you help me out of here, please?"

But Gibbs was all but helpful. More like the opposite of helpful.

"Nope," was all he said and then he left, leaving McGee to explain.

* * *

_Reviews? Anyone? Please... They really help me keep on writing. But yeah, it's your choice, I'm just saying it's really kind of people to review. It's purely a voluntary thing.  
_


	8. If The Shoe Fits

„What is this?" Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo asked curiously, picking up a bottle from a table. It had no writings or markings on it, just plain white plastic.

He carefully turned the bottle cap off and smelled it with interest.

He immediately started coughing and tried to put the bottle back to the table as fast as he could.

A bit too quickly. The mysterious bottle fell over and poured it's whitish liquid all over the table. Tony quickly picked it up and placed the bottle cap back where it belonged.

But the liquid wasn't visible on the table, as Tony quickly noticed. Maybe it was just whitish water?

He heard a sound of disapproval from his right and looked around like a puppy who has been caught on an evildoing.

"Nice, Tony," a sarcastic voice of his partner, Ziva David, said. She was looking at the now half empty bottle. "Do you realize what you just did?"

Tony looked at the bottle with a look of guilt.

"No, not really, but..." He couldn't finish his explanation.

"You should tell her," Ziva hissed quietly. Tony didn't have time to answer.

"It's ready!" Abby's excited voice filled the lab when she returned from the back room where she had prepared something she wanted to show Tony and Ziva.

"I downloaded the contents to this memory stick," she explained, waving with a black memory stick with a picture of skull on it. "Now I'm going to put it in my computer," she did the aforementioned, "download the contents into this computer and put the pieces together in here."

Tony and Ziva just looked at her.

"But you don't need to know that."

Abby placed her right hand on her mouse and moved it in necessary directions.

Then she reached her hands towards the keyboard.

Tony drew in his breath. The mysterious liquid covered the keyboard too. He opened his mouth to warn Abby, but then stopped. Maybe it didn't do anything. Maybe there was no reason to reveal that he had pushed the bottle over.

Meanwhile Abby placed her fingers on her keyboard to start typing.

"You're gonna love this," she squealed with excitement.

She could press down the first couple of keys, but when she tried to move her fingers, she found that she couldn't. She tried to pull her hands free. And again. Without luck.

"What the...?"

"Is something wrong, Abby?" Ziva asked concerned.

Abby was silent for some time.

"I can't get my fingers off the keyboard," she exclaimed after ten seconds, which seemed to Tony like ten minutes.

Ziva frowned and picked up the same white bottle that Tony had pushed over before. She smelled it carefully.

"Super glue," she told Abby, quickly capping the bottle again. "I told you you should have told her," she hissed at Tony angrily.

"Well, you were very helpful too, thank you," he fired back sarcastically.

"I did not need to be helpful. It is not my mess."

Abby looked at them with wide eyes.

"You wanna say that you did that?" she asked Tony and Ziva accusingly.

Ziva raised her hands in defense. "Don't look at me."

Abby turned to Tony, squinting her eyes at him.

"You," she said menacingly, pointing a keyboard towards him. He backed up. "You wait here."

Then she turned to Ziva. "Could you please bring me that green bottle from the back room?" she asked her friend.

"Sure."

Ziva went to the back room and looked around. She could count six green bottles.

"Um, Abby?" she called hesitantly, sticking her head out of the door.

"What?"

"Which one of the green bottles?"

"The one with the skull on it."

"Okay." Ziva turned back to examine the green bottles. Three of them had a skull on them. "Which one of those, Abby?"

"With the black cap."

Ziva sighed as she saw that two of the three bottles which had a skull on them had a black cap. She took them both with her.

"You should really learn how to describe things, Abby."

Abby acted like she didn't hear that. "Could you pour that on my fingers?"

Ziva looked at the bottles and picked the one closest to her. She uncapped it and was starting to pour it on Abby's fingers when she stopped her with loud screaming.

"ZIVA!"

Ziva looked up, confused. "What?" she asked.

Abby pulled away from her. "What is wrong with you?"

Ziva didn't understand. "I do not know what you mean."

"Why are you trying to pour battery acid on my fingers?!" Abby demanded.

Ziva looked at the bottle she was holding. "That is battery acid?"

"YES. I wanted you to bring that one," Abby explained, pointing at the other green bottle.

Ziva looked at the bottles more closely.

"How do you know which one is the one you want? They look exactly the same."

"Because," Abby told her matter-of-factly, "the battery acid has a little white dot on the cap."

Ziva sighed and took the other bottle. "This one?" she asked with a quizzical look.

Abby nodded.

While Ziva was pouring the liquid onto Abby's fingers, Tony tried to sneak away quietly.

"Don't move!" both women yelled at him. He stopped in his tracks with a fearful look. "I am not done with you yet," Abby announced.

"Thank you," she told Ziva when she finally got her fingers free.

She started approaching Tony and stopped when she was two feet away from him.

"It was an accident! I didn't mean for it to happen!" Tony explained.

"But you didn't tell me," Abby accused, pointing a finger at him. "That means a part of you wanted to see what happens."

"I didn't know it was a super glue, for God's sake! How am I supposed to know if you don't put the names of the contents on your bottles?"

Abby looked thoughtful. "You better watch your back. No one knows what could happen," she concluded.

Tony practically ran out of the lab. Abby turned to Ziva with a wide smile.

"I should still pull a prank on him."

"If the glue sticks."

"Yeah, it did stick," Abby said, looking at the table. It had super glue all over it. "But the saying is 'if the shoe fits'."

"Same difference. What do you plan on doing?"

Abby smiled wickedly. "I know a perfect one. But it will be a surprise."

* * *

_To Be Continued..._

_...in the next chapter._

_Please review. Thank you.  
_


	9. Bury The Hatchet

_This is the continuation of the last chapter "If The Shoe Fits". Enjoy!_  


* * *

"...and this morning there was a fruit basket with flowers in my office."

Ziva looked at her long-time friend and smiled.

"And there was a note in the flowers, saying 'Sorry'."

Ziva frowned.

"Jenny, are you sure that these were from Gibbs?"

Jenny looked at Ziva with a look that clearly said "of course I am sure", but she was polite enough to vocalize her thoughts when they were meant for someone else to hear.

"Yes, Ziva, I am sure. He signed his name."

Ziva stood in the small metal box speeding upwards and pondered over what Jenny had said. It was not like Gibbs and so she told her.

"That does not sound like Gibbs, Jenny. I bet the times he has ever apologized can be counted on one hand's fingers."

Jenny smiled at the Israeli understandingly. She was, after all, an understanding person.

"I've known Gibbs for a long time, Ziva. There are not many situations between us when there's a need for an apology. But on some rare occasion, when it is necessary, he knows when to apologize, and he means that."

Ziva didn't know how to answer to this explanation, but she was saved by the elevator. The stop of the elevator, to be precise.

Ziva and Jenny stepped out together and stopped by the exit of the bullpen, the sight before them surprising both of them.

They were expecting to see the usual morning activities in the Squad Room. They were expecting to see Gibbs absorbed in work, phone calls or yelling at someone, to see Tony pretending to be absorbed in work or teasing McGee. And they were expecting to see McGee doing something with his computer completely incomprehensible to a normal person and trying to not notice Tony.

But instead they saw Gibbs sitting behind his desk with loads of paper around him, folding origami. Judging by the unsuccessful attempts around him, it looked like he was trying to fold a flower.

They saw McGee sleeping, his head on his desk and his computer completely shut off.

And they saw Tony, sitting on his chair, the look on his face indicating that somewhere around him must have been a ghost, occasionally twitching, like he wanted to stand up, but then changing his mind.

For a quick second, Jenny and Ziva figured if they had gotten off the elevator on the wrong floor. The scene in front of them was just too unfamiliar. Too out of character.

After a minute of staring in front of them, Jenny, who decided it was simply too much for her to comprehend in the early morning without a single cup of coffee, rushed towards her office. NCIS Headquarters had been a weird place lately.

Ziva proceeded to her desk, not taking her eyes off of Tony. He twitched again, this time more strongly. Ziva frowned.

"Are you okay, Tony?" she asked with a hint of concern in her eyes.

He looked at her with wide eyes. "No," he said.

Ziva raised an eyebrow. This was definitely not like Tony. It was not like Tony at all.

"She did it," he mumbled quietly to himself.

"Who did what?" Ziva asked, now getting interested.

"Abby."

That surprised Ziva. "Abby did something to you?" she asked with disbelief. "What?"

"She superglued my butt to my chair."

Ziva couldn't help but laugh. Now she remembered Abby had promised to pull a prank on Tony.

Suddenly a phone rang on Gibbs' desk. He answered immediately.

"Gibbs."

Then he listened for a while.

"Okay. We'll be right there."

Ziva looked at Gibbs with a quizzical look. "Another body?" she asked, afraid of the answer. There had already been three bodies this week, all killed in the same way.

"Abby," Gibbs answered.

McGee's head shot up. "Abby is dead?" he asked, his features quickly losing colour.

Gibbs gave him a skeptical look. "She wants us down to her lab."

McGee sighed with relief and stood up. So did Ziva and Gibbs. And so did Tony... at least he tried. And failed miserably. It looked like Abby had used all super glue that was left in the bottle since Tony's little "accident" to glue him to his chair.

Tony drew in a deep breath, placed one foot firmly on the floor and the other on the wheel of his chair and pulled himself up with an abrupt movement.

In the point where the back of his trousers had been glued to the fabric that covered his chair, the weaker one gave up. Tony was lucky. The weaker one was the fabric that covered his chair and it came off the chair with a loud sound of rending.

He looked at his ruined chair, seeing a hole in it's covering fabric and through that hole he saw the cushioning.

He carefully touched his butt. The covering fabric was still glued to his pants. But that wasn't the worst part. It seemed his pants weren't so strong after all. They had been torn open on the upper and left side of the big oval spot where he had been glued to the chair.

The back of his pants was now hanging sadly, exposing his left buttock. More precisely, exposing the green boxers covering his left buttock.

Tony moaned.

The rest of the team had to almost drag him down to Abby's lab. For some reason the idea of facing Abby with pants like that, scared the crap out of him. Figuratively speaking.

The first thing the team saw was Abby, standing by the table, wearing latex gloves and holding a hatchet.

Tony immediately backed up. Abby noticed that.

"Relax, Tony. It's an evidence."

"Why'd you call us down here, Abs?" Gibbs asked impatiently.

Abby looked at Gibbs with a sad look.

"Hold your horses, Gibbs, or I may start thinking you only came down here for that hatchet."

McGee turned to Ziva to prevent her from asking.

"It's an idiom, it means..."

Ziva smiled at him. "Thank you, but I know what it means."

McGee nodded approvingly.

Abby whirled around the room after carefully placing the hachet back on the table.

"I found traces of three DNA's on the blade, I separated them and got a result. This hatchet," she pointed at it, "was used to kill all the three victims."

Gibbs looked at her approvingly. "That's a good work, Abs." He gave Abby a little kiss on the cheek, making her smile, and left.

Abby looked at Tony with a wicked smile.

"I see you met your chair."

"I knew it was you," he said, pointing at Abby accusingly. "And for your knowledge, it was an accident. I didn't mean to glue your fingers to the keyboard. I save those things for McGee."

"The glue may have been an accident, but not warning me wasn't," Abby didn't give up.

Tony opened his mouth to object, but Ziva cut him off before he could even start.

"I think you two should bury the bomb," she stated.

Abby and Tony stopped arguing and looked at her.

"The bomb?" Tony asked with confusion.

"Um, Ziva," Abby started. "I think you mean hatchet."

Now it was Ziva's turn for confusion.

"Why should you bury the hatchet? It is a murder weapon," she reminded them.

Abby smiled at her friend while Tony smirked.

"No, Ziva, not the hatchet like the murder weapon hatchet, but like the hatchet from, you know, the saying 'bury the hatchet'. It means to end fighting, be friends again."

"Bomb, hatchet, it does not matter," Ziva said in exasperation. "My point is that you should stop being mad at each other."

Abby nodded. "She's right, Tony, we should bury the bomb."

"Hatchet," Tony corrected her.

* * *

_Hope you liked it. If you did, please review and let me know. Thank you._


	10. Almost Only Counts In Horseshoes

_Almost Only Counts In Horseshoes and Hand Grenades_  


* * *

Ziva David was late. She was fully aware of it.

She had finished her run later than usual.

And now, sitting in a seemingly endless traffic jam she figured what Gibbs would say about she being late for the second time this week. He was probably going to be mad.

She looked at the rear window and her already zero mood dropped below zero. She was the last one in the row of cars which went as far as she could see.

Which, considering today's weather, was not very far. There was the tightest mist she had ever seen. And that was just another thing that pulled her mood down.

And so she sat there, cursing herself and her slowness. She wondered why the hell they called it rush hour when nobody was moving.

She looked back again. She was still the last. And when thinking about it, she hit upon an idea.

On her way to this endless traffic jam she had seen a large parking lot. She knew it had an entrance on the other side too.

She decided to go through it. It would have shortened her way considerably, plus she would get around that row of cars. She didn't pay even single thought to the fact that it was forbidden to use the other entrance as an exit. She was actually kind of used to breaking America's traffic laws, since in Israel there were practically no traffic laws.

She was still the last. But now it made her feel a little bit better. Maybe she wouldn't be so late at all.

So she turned her car around and speeded back until she saw the parking lot. She entered it and rode along the aisles between the massive amounts of cars.

Now she was close to the exit. She rode forwards, turned right, went on... and cursed in Hebrew.

Some really mean person had parked a car right in front of the exit. Ziva felt like she wanted to hit something.

Instead she rode back through the big parking lot towards the other exit, wondering how long would it take her to get through that traffic jam.

Considering how slowly it had moved before, probably hours.

When she reached the exit she couldn't believe what she saw at first sight.

"Merde," she cursed in French.

In front of the exit was another car. She was stuck. Actually, to be precise, she was not stuck. But her car was. As stuck as a car could be.

Ziva looked out of the window for someone to complain. She saw no one.

"Great," she mumbled to herself, thinking about what Gibbs would say. Again she cursed herself for getting in such a stupid situation.

She remembered the last and only time she had gotten stuck with her car. It had happened in Israel, and resulted in letting her target get away. Her father had not been pleased with her.

Ziva considered walking to the Headquarters, it was only a few miles away. She was just about ready to get out of her cute little red and black Mini Cooper, when she heard her phone ring.

She looked at the caller's ID and gulped. It was Tony.

"Yes," she answered hesitantly, wondering if Gibbs had ordered him to call her and if he was with Tony at the moment.

"Ziva," she heard Tony's worried voice on the other end. "Where are you?"

"On... a parking lot." She blushed and was happy Tony couldn't see it. She was a little embarrassed of getting stuck on a parking lot.

"A parking lot? You're in the Navy Yard?"

"Not really..." Ziva started.

"Not really? Ziva, where the hell are you? Gibbs is really cross."

Ziva swallowed hard. Gibbs was really cross.

"I am almost there, Tony." That was a lie, and she knew that, but there was no way Tony could know it. She figured she'd think of something, perhaps take a bus.

"Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Ziva," Tony reminded her. "And since you were not hit with either a horseshoe or hand grenade, I suggest you getting here as fast as you can. Before Gibbs decides he'll murder you with a hand grenade."

Ziva frowned. "What does this have to do with horseshoes and hand grenades?" she asked, confused.

"It doesn't, it's just a saying." Ziva could see Tony rolling his eyes.

"What ever. Besides, Gibbs can not murder me when I am not there."

"But he can murder you when you get here, and for your own well-being, I hope this happens fast." And with that statement, Tony hung up the phone.

"Leazazel," Ziva cursed and got out of the car. She started walking in the direction of the NCIS Headquarters. She had walked about half of the way, when her phone rang again. This time it was Gibbs himself.

She prepared herself for the worst and answered her cell phone. She heard Gibbs' angry voice, but couldn't make out the words.

"Listen, Gibbs," she started. "I can explain this-"

She was cut off by her really cross boss. "The hell you can," he barked into the phone, making Ziva flinch. "I don't want to hear any explanation before I see you. Got it?" he demanded.

Ziva pushed down her anger. "Got it."

"We've got a case. Arlington National Cemetery. You've got fifteen minutes."

"Wait, Gibbs..." Ziva started. Gibbs hung up.

"Now that is just great," Ziva told herself. Fortunately there was no one near her to hear.

Ziva tried to think of what to do. If she wouldn't be on that cemetery in fifteen minutes, Gibbs would most likely put her on desk work for who knows how long. She sighed. It would take her fifteen minutes to just get to her car. She didn't even want to think about how long would it take for her to get the car out of that damn parking lot.

There was only one thing she could do. She caught a cab.

"To Arlington National Cemetery, please," she asked when she sat in. "In fifteen minutes."

"You're asking quite the impossible there, miss," the taxi driver answered with an accent Ziva couldn't quite place. Italian maybe? That reminded Ziva of Tony. He was probably going to make jokes on her getting stuck on a parking lot forever.

The cabby took off and they speeded in the direction of the cemetery. They reached it in sixteen minutes.

Ziva paid for the ride.

"Almost in fifteen minutes," the cabby said cheerfully. Ziva looked at him with her dark eyes, wiping the smile off the poor man's face.

"Almost only counts in horses and bombs," Ziva said, getting out of the cab and leaving the driver wondering what she had wanted to say.

Ziva spotted the NCIS van right away. The next thing she spotted there was a really angry looking Gibbs. She sighed. It was going to be a long explanation.

* * *

_Here you go, an all new chapter. The idea was suggested by Nemisses. Thank you. Please review, 'cause reviews are what feed my muse and when my muse is happy you'll get better chapters :)_


	11. Slip Of a Tongue

_Wow, two chapters in one day, the other one in my other story Gibbs' Birthday. Enjoy...  
_

* * *

"Ziva, I'm telling you, it was an accident," McGee said in a pleading voice.

The target of his explanation said nothing and stood firmly in the elevator. The metal box stopped softly and the doors slid open.

Ziva stepped out. McGee followed her in a rush.

"Ziva, please don't tell Tony about that," he begged her.

The Mossad Officer smirked evilly. "And why is that, McGee?"

McGee gave her a look of disbelief. "Because he would make jokes on me forever," he said, panicking.

"Who would make jokes on Probie?"

Tony was lounging on his chair, keeping the utmost balance to not make the pencil on the bridge of his nose fall down.

McGee's eyes expressed something quite like panic when he sent Ziva a look that clearly said "What did I tell you?". Ziva smirked at him.

Tony's eyes flashed from one agent to another questioningly.

"What?" he asked curiously. "What did I miss?"

McGee gave him that none-of-your-business look and sat down. "Nothing," he said wearily.

"Ziva what happened to McTaciturn?" Tony asked, now turning to his partner. Said partner was currently turning on her computer. When she heard his question she chuckled.

"Come on," Tony sounded offended. "I'm the senior field agent, I demand to know what's going on."

"Yes, Tony, you are the senior field agent every time when you want to _know_ something, not when you actually have to _do_ something," Ziva concluded.

"Right now I'm the senior field agent and it gives me prerogatives."

Ziva looked at him, seemingly hanging between annoyance and amusement.

"Prerogatives about McGee's personal life, yes?" she asked, playing with a paperclip.

"Yeah, sorta." Tony was quiet for a few seconds. "By the way, where did you go?"

"To a butcher's shop, to talk to the Lieutenant's father," McGee said from behind his computer.

Tony looked at the junior agent and feigned a surprise.

"Ooh, look who got his tongue back. I was starting to think you left it in that butcher's shop for sale."

"You're disgusting," Ziva accused.

"He is, isn't he?"

Tony smiled at Ziva. "And why is that, Zee-vah? And what did Probie do that's worth making jokes on?"

"You are such a control geek, it was nothing important," Ziva hissed.

Tony gave her a weird glance. "Freak," he corrected her. "A geek would be McGee," he said, earning an annoyed glance from McGee. "But what unimportant business McGee had then? Talked to a girl?"

Ziva sent her partner a displeased look. "It was just a slip on a tongue, okay? Nothing important."

Tony snorted and looked at McGee amusedly. "You slipped on a tongue, Probie. Kinda dangerous to let you to a butcher's."

Then he turned back to Ziva, a smile dancing in his eyes. "Must be quite a lousy shopkeeper. Keeping tongues on the floor and all."

McGee looked at them both in shock.

"Slip OF a tongue," he corrected Ziva exasperatedly.

Tony laughed. "Where did your tongue slip, McGee?"

McGee gave him a look that said "You're such a child" and continued with his paperwork.

Ziva didn't. "Obviously too far," she said coolly.

"What did he do?" Tony pushed.

"Acted like you."

"McGee acted like me?"

"He told the Lieutenant's father he has a pretty daughter."

* * *

_Reviews? Anyone?_


	12. Be Over The Moon

_This chapter actually contains two idioms. The other is 'jumping up and down', which some of you suggested I should use. So I finally did it. Hope you enjoy.  
_

* * *

Ziva David stepped out of the elevator. She was just coming from Abby's lab and was kinda happy to get out of there. The Goth had called her down there to show her a particularly interesting experiment. At least that was Abby's opinion. Ziva didn't find most of it interesting.

Yes, there had been a really big puff of purple smoke at the end, so big, that it set the fire alarm on, but that was mostly it.

Ziva had seen enough explosions and smoke in her life, that she didn't consider it so very interesting anymore.

Though she could understand Abby being excited about it. After all, that was still her experiment, which at most aspects had succeeded.

The only bad was that both women had considerably big stains of mysterious green slime on their clothes. Abby didn't consider it as a problem. Quite the opposite actually, she had found that it made her black top much more interesting. Ziva's red top didn't look so good.

So she approached the bullpen, preparing herself for the jokes that would definitely come form Tony.

And as soon as she entered the bullpen, the first one came.

"Jell-o making got out of hand?" he teased the Israeli as she sat down behind her desk, reaching for a tissue to wipe off the sticky substance. Only to find that the slime did not cooperate.

She shot him an annoyed glance and kept scrubbing.

"It's not helping, Ziva."

She looked in the direction of the voice and saw Tony leaning on his desk with an amused look.

"And why is that, Tony?"

He shrugged. "Well, most of Abby's experiments tend to be hard coming off."

"I can handle it, thank you."

Tony looked at Ziva in amusement. "What were you doing there, by the way?" he asked

curiously.

Ziva though a moment before answering. "Abby was doing an experiment and I was watching."

"How'd it go?"

Ziva snorted. "You can see the result here," she said, pointing to her shirt.

"You better not let Gibbs see you like this."

Ziva opened her mouth to say that it was not her fault, when they heard the ding of the elevator.

"Ooh, too late."

Ziva looked in the direction of the elevator, expecting to see Gibbs with his coffee. Her mind begun thinking of various explanations about why she was covered with a sticky green substance.

But instead of seeing her boss, she saw Ducky stepping out of the metal box. He was covered with the exact same green slime. It looked like Abby had repeated her experiment.

"What happened, Ducky?" Tony asked with interest when the medical examiner reached the entrance of the bullpen.

Ducky sighed and looked down at himself.

"I'm afraid it was Abby. And that is also the reason I came up here. Do not go to watch her experim-" He trailed off he laid his eyes on Ziva and saw the green slime on her clothes. "I suppose it's a little late for the warning."

Ziva looked surprised. "She showed that to you too, after seeing what happened the first time?"

Ducky nodded. "I'm afraid so."

Ziva shook her head in disbelief.

"Though I must admit it was quite intriguing. All that flying slime and purple smoke." Ducky raised his hands up illustratively. "And it made Abigail happy."

"I would say she was more than happy. She was jumping over the moon," Ziva said correctivly.

Ducky looked at her with a little bit of confusion when Tony burst out laughing.

Ziva turned to her partner angrily. "What is so funny here?" she asked.

"Nothing's funny, my dear," Ducky assured her. "I think the expression you're looking for is either 'be over the moon' or 'jumping up and down'."

Ziva tried again. "She was jumping up and down over a moon?" she offered, confused.

Ducky sighed.

* * *

_If you liked it, please, please, please review. And if you didn't like it, review anyway. I am open to constructive criticism._


	13. Jump Out of Your Skin

_Okay, I know it was a really long pause, but I was just too busy with other things. I know it's a bad excuse, but I don't really have a better one.  
_

* * *

„Ziva, could you please watch the road? Please?" McGee pleaded from the back seat of Ziva's cute little Mini Cooper, which, in McGee's opinion, was soon going to crash into something unknown in an unknown place, if she kept on driving it like that.

But he couldn't deny that she was after all a good driver and the main reason for his discreet request was, that he was desperately trying to rid himself of the menacing glare his coworker, Currently Very Pissed Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David was delivering him. It felt almost like the infamous Gibbs-stare.

Ziva turned her eyes reluctantly beck to the road in front of her. She didn't like it when she had to stop her glaring session because of something as unimportant as driving a car.

"I am not going to tell you anything more about my weekend," she announced, her tone finishing.

She came to a sudden stop behind a red light, which was actually unusual for her, and Tony and McGee both stretched their arms out to prevent themselves of being crushed into the front window or front seat.

Ziva used that little break to continue glaring with annoyance. When the light turned green, she accelerated so quickly that both men squeaked.

"It's not like you told us anything, Zee-vah," Tony complained from the front seat.

Ziva gave him another dark glare, earning another panicky "Watch the road!" from Tony. He was clinging to his seat with both hands as tightly as he could. It was starting to annoy Ziva. Surely, her driving couldn't be that terrible, could it?

She took another needle-sharp turn to the right and both men made unrecognizable sounds again. She snorted.

"Why are you both so interested in my private life?" she asked disapprovingly, this time keeping her eyes safely on the road, much to the relief of hr passengers. But she could see from the corner of her right eye that the two men exchanged quick glances, before Tony answered.

"Maybe it's because you never talk about it," he suggested, flashing his characteristic DiNozzo grin.

"And maybe that is because I do not want you to know, she retorted quickly.

Tony feigned deep disappointment, shaking his head sadly. "And I was so sure you would tell us." Tony shot a quick glance to the back seat and continued. "Well, maybe not McGee, but I was hoping you'd tell me." He grinned at her eagerly, leaning towards her.

Ziva pushed him back with a short "Keep your distance."

She was wondering what kind of new technique that was, when a little girl, maybe four-five years old, suddenly jumped onto the road in front of Ziva, chasing after her ball, which had fallen to the road, not caring to look out for cars like Ziva's.

Tony and McGee both screamed in shock and horror as they saw the child. Form the open window they could all hear the desperate scream from the young woman who looked like she could be the girls mother. She was standing right beside the road and looked like she was seriously considering launching herself between her child and Ziva's car.

It was all a matter of seconds. Ziva saw the little fair-haired girl on the road and turned swiftly to the left, away from the child, passing her by just inches and the brick wall on her left by even less.

But by some miracle the girl, Ziva's car, the brick wall and even the girl's red ball all remained intact and she kept on driving.

From the rear-view mirror she could see the young mother running to her child tightly. Ziva smiled slightly to herself, being grateful as ever for having really quick reflexes.

Tony and McGee both let out a he breath of relief. Ziva smirked again. She had remained calm. At least on the surface.

"You really gotta quit driving like that, Ziva," Tony suggested her, still gasping, his hands and his voice still trembling.

Ziva looked at him, concerned. "There is no need to jump out of your clothes, Tony," she assured him calmly, as if she passed little girls by inches on a regular basis. Then she turned her head towards the back seat where McGee sat, seemingly frozen into a stone. His face was white as if he'd seen a really creepy ghost.

"Jump out of your skin, Ziva," Tony corrected the Israeli automatically, and shocked as he was, he couldn't help snickering when he imagined himself jumping out of his clothes in Ziva's car. With McGee there as a witness. He would have to kill the Probie afterwards.

* * *

_Please, please, please, please review and make me happy. Please.  
_


	14. Make a Mountain Out of a Molehill

„Don't you think you're going a little too far with that one, Tony?" Special Agent McGee asked the man walking next to him nervously.

Tony gave him one disdainful grin, then looked away again.

McGee wasn't going to give up so easily. "I mean, seriously, if Gibbs finds out about this you'll..." he stopped to search his brain for right words, "you'll be dead," he finished, a bit terrified.

Tony looked at him seriously. "You too, McGee," he reminded him matter-of-factly.

McGee stared in horror. "Why me? I'm not the one taking cookies from Gibbs' desk when he isn't there!"

Tony smirked. "For not telling him. But don't worry, McProbie, he won't find out," he assured McGee.

"Finds out about what?" a new voice suddenly asked from behind them. Both of the men jumped in surprise.

Tony turned around, backing away from her. "Ziva!" he squeaked. "I told you not to do that again!"

Ziva grinned impishly. "Sorry," she apologized, clearly not meaning it, clearly proud of herself.

Tony caught a quick glance at her clothing. He raised one eyebrow.

"What the hell happened to you?" he wanted to know, curious as ever.

Ziva's grin widened. "I found the murder weapon," she announced proudly, holding up an evidence bag for the men to see.

Tony's eyebrows were almost in his hair. "And that required building a tunnel through the ground?"

Ziva punched him into his ribs.

"Ow," he squeaked girlishly. Ziva and McGee snorted.

Ziva stepped away from where she blocked his view and nodded towards something that looked like a small pile of soil.

Tony chuckled. "And you couldn't get a shovel, couldn't you?"

Ziva looked at him quizzically. "I did not need one," she explained. "It was not so deep."

Tony took another, this time longer glance at her. "It looks like you were digging there like a dog for a bone."

He backed away when she attempted to hit him again.

"It is wet here," she announced matter-of-factly, glancing around herself, as if waiting for the wetness to disappear once she mentioned it.

Tony shrugged. "You made a mountain out of a molehill."

Ziva looked at him, confused. Then she glanced at McGee for help. Or more accurately, glanced at where McGee had been, and where now was just air and slight rain like everywhere else. McGee had sneaked away unusually quietly.

Ziva turned back to Tony.

"No, I did not," she defended herself.

Tony pointed at the pile of dirt. "Well, what would you call that then?" he asked her, raising one eyebrow.

Ziva glared at him. "There was no molehill, there was only an indication that something had been buried there recently."

Tony stared back and then burst out laughing. "That's... an... an... idiom... Zee... vah..." he managed to press out between his manic cackles of laughter.

Ziva glared at him for a few more seconds, then turned and walked away to look for McGee and a more accurate explanation, muttering something that sounded like "Idiot."

She had crossed about twenty yards when she heard a WHACK and an Ow! from behind her. She stopped dead in her tracks, listening to the yelling.

"What was that for?" Tony moaned.

"These cookies were for Jenny!" Gibbs yelled and smacked him again.

Ziva smirked and continued her search for McGee.

* * *

_Reviews are like food to my muse, like the vital oxygen. A great thanks to everyone for the awesome reviews, which have kept my muse alive so far. Please, please keep reviewing. Thank you._


	15. Under The Weather

_Idea suggested by __thealycat.__ Thank you.  
_

* * *

Ziva David groaned mentally. Surely, this was way over the line.

She glanced around in the bullpen, uninterested, just waiting for that stupid male person to drag his stupid ass to work.

McGee looked busy. He was typing feverishly on his computer, every now and then looking at her direction.

Ziva saw an opportunity and quickly took it. She sneaked to stand behind him and leaned closer to read over his shoulder.

_I was relaxed as I observed Lisa who was the only one in the room besides myself. Luckily, Special Agent Tommy had not arrived yet, so I didn't have to bear any jokes at the moment._

_Suddenly I had a feeling that someone was watching me. I lifted my eyes to Lisa's desk but it was empty._

McGee suddenly tensed.

_I turned to watch over my shoulder and..._

"Argh!" McGee gasped as he saw Ziva behind him, leaning on his counter. She smirked evilly.

Ziva came to lean on his desk next to him. McGee shuddered and pulled away from her.

"So, McGee," she started casually, a slight hint of menace in her soft voice. "You are writing about us when we are working?"

McGee stared at her wide-eyed, afraid of his life.

"O-only when Tony's not here," he stuttered.

Ziva smirked again. "I see. And you think it is okay with me when you are describing my..." she stopped and glanced at the screen. This movement brought her closer to McGee, who pulled even farther away. "...expressions and activities in your book," she finished, looking at McGee, threat now more evident in her voice.

McGee mumbled something unintelligible under his breath.

"It is not," Ziva snapped, returning to her desk. McGee let out a sigh of relief.

"I have not forgiven you," Ziva threatened, her eyes cold.

She picked up her phone to call Tony for what seemed like a hundredth time. On the fifth ring he answered.

"What do you want, Ziva?" he asked sleepily. He sounded bad, but Ziva didn't care at the moment. If Tony was sleeping at home while she had to watch McGee writing about her, she had a right to be mad at him.

"Where the hell are you?" she demanded her gruffly. She sounded like Gibbs.

"I..." he paused. Ziva waited impatiently. "I'm under the weather."

Ziva was momentarily confused, but she recovered quickly.

"You are saying you are standing somewhere in the rain while I have to bear McGee and his book here?" She was getting angrier with every second.

Tony was silent for a few seconds. "Rain?" he finally asked hesitantly, as if questioning her healthy mind.

"Yes, rain," she repeated, and glanced out of the window. It was bright and sunny outside. She blushed at her own idiocy and was glad Tony couldn't see it. But McGee could. He started typing even more feverishly than before. Ziva gave him a deadly glare. He gulped.

Satisfied, Ziva turned back to her phone call.

"Ziva, being under the weather means I'm sick," Tony's voice explained through the phone.

"Good luck with explaining that to Gibbs." And she snapped the phone shut.

"Explain what to Gibbs?" a familiar voice asked from her left. She hadn't noticed Gibbs coming. Apparently McGee hadn't too. His head shot up in surprise. "Where's DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.

Ziva sighed.

* * *

_What's going on with me? Three days, every day new chapter. Hmm, weird...  
_


	16. Just What The Doctor Ordered

_Zivaisms Christmas Special Edition! Once again, the idea came from thealycat.  
_

* * *

"So remind me again, why exactly 1800?" Tony asked McGee excitedly as they waited for the elevator to arrive.

McGee rolled his eyes at the senior agent. He had been asking that precise question four times that day. "She just picked that time."

The elevator arrived and Tony gleamed with excitement. All four of them stepped into the cold metal box. Gibbs hit the right button and the doors closed.

They had just one minute to reach their destination in time.

The metal box stopped softly and doors opened again with a quiet ding. They stepped out and headed towards the always open door.

"Just in time," Abby yelled excitedly from her lab. She had heard the elevator.

The Team stepped through the door and stopped dead in their tracks, too stunned to keep moving or say anything.

Abby had gone a bit too far decorating the room for Christmas. From the ceiling hung red, green and white ribbons. Absolutely everywhere they looked.

There was a statue of a reindeer, furry and soft, decorated with a dwarf hat and tinsel.

In one corner was a huge Christmas Tree, decorated with all kinds of things any one of them could think of. From colorful balls to gingerbreads, each one shaped like a different member of their team, including Abby herself, Jenny, Ducky and Palmer, who were all already there, smirking at their stunned expressions.

In the center of her evidence table was a big fir branch in a large beaker. Next to it was a red candle. Around them were a roasted turkey and all kinds of desserts, including the traditional flaming pudding. Abby lit it and it burned for a little too long with a high green flame.

Gibbs was the first one to recover. He handed Abby a huge Caf-POW!. There was an impossibly big bowknot around it.

"Merry Christmas, Abs," he wished her and kissed her lightly on the cheek. Abby beamed happily.

"Wow, Abs, that's..." Tony started, his mouth gaping to the floor, indicating to the decorations.

"...amazing," Ziva finished.

Abby's already impossibly wide smile widened even more.

Then she turned back to Gibbs. "That's exactly what the doctor ordered, Gibbs, thank you."

Ziva's brow furrowed as always when she was confused by Americans and their crazy idioms.

"Ducky told you to drink that stuff?" she assumed, waving one hand to the Caf-POW Abby was still holding.

They all started giggling. Ducky chuckled amusedly.

"No, no, my dear," he started, helpful as always. "What she means is that it's a perfect present."

"Oh."

Suddenly Abby grabbed both Ziva's and Tony's hand and started dragging them forward.

Ziva opened her mouth to object, but before she could start, Abby let them go. Then they just stood where Abby had taken them.

"Now you have to kiss," Abby informed them happily glancing to a spot above their heads.

There, under the ceiling, hung a large mistletoe none of them had noticed before.

Jenny chuckled, but her laughter was quickly smothered by the look in Ziva's eyes.

But she didn't have long time to be mad at either Jenny or Abby. She suddenly felt being grabbed by Tony and the next thing she knew she was being kissed passionately by Tony. She quickly responded.

The kiss lasted longer than was necessary, but neither of them noticed.

When they finally broke apart, a hand collided softly with the back of their heads. "For breaking rule number twelve," Gibbs concluded before they could ask, but he was smiling too.

* * *

_Merry Christmas to everyone!_


	17. An Axe To Grind

McGee was typing contentedly on his computer, when suddenly a hand snapped something from his desk.

Tony. He gritted his teeth in annoyance and looked up to see the senior agent staring amusedly at something. Something he had gotten from McGee's desk.

Tony laughed when he read the front page. It was McGee's finished report.

"Who's Tiothy cGee?" he asked McGee, still laughing.

McGee grabbed the report back, staring at it in bewilderment. He saw no M's in the whole report. He dropped the report back on his desk and almost ran back to his computer. He pressed all of the keys.

"My M key doesn't work," he accused, not entirely sure who to accuse, so he accused the whole room.

Tony put his hands up in defense. "Don't look at me. I didn't touch your precious keyboard."

Then he quickly leaned forward and snapped the report away from it's rightful owner again.

"Let's see what Gibbs thinks of that," he laughed waving with McGee's m-free report.

"Tony," McGee growled, but with not much hope. He glanced at Ziva for help. Until now, she had stayed away from their hassle.

She was out from her desk in seconds. She stepped into Tony's path, blocking his way. He tried to step around her. She moved in unison with him, not letting him past her for an inch. She stared at Tony menacingly.

Tony looked back to her hesitantly, his expression quizzical.

"What can I do for you, my little ninja?" he asked with false enthusiasm, trying to talk his way out of this. In this case away from Ziva and her evil stare.

She narrowed her eyes at him. He gulped, backing away.

"Stop annoying McGee," she told Tony, approaching him threateningly.

Tony's usual smile was back in it's usual place. "That all?" he asked brightly, waving again with McGee's report.

"And give that to me," she ordered, glancing at the report in Tony's hand.

Tony grinned childishly. "What's the magic word?" he asked cheerfully.

McGee stared at them in shock. Did Tony have a death wish?

"Or I will rip your arm off," Ziva pressed through gritted teeth.

Tony's smile faded. "That's close enough," he muttered, handing her McGee's report. She put it back to McGee's desk.

"What's going on here?" a new voice suddenly asked.

They all looked up to see the honorable Director of NCIS leaning casually on the railing behind Tony's desk.

"They are grinding an axe," Ziva announced, gesturing towards Tony and McGee, trying to look smart by getting this one right. But when she saw the redhead's amused expression, she knew she had failed. Again.

"I think it's 'they have an axe to grind', Ziva," Jenny corrected her friend helpfully.

Ziva furrowed her brow in confusion. "You are saying that they have an ungrinded axe somewhere in a drawer?"

Jenny chuckled softly, taking in Ziva's bewildered look.

"It's just a saying," she assured the Israeli warmly.

Just then Tony made another attempt to get his hands on McGee's report. He grabbed it, but this time McGee was prepared. He grabbed the other end of it and pulled the report back.

He got it. Partly. He got one half of his report.

"Tony!" he moaned in exasperation. "Look what you did!"

Tim stared offendedly at a half of his finished report.

Tony just smirked at him.

Ziva and Jenny exchanged a look and nodded in unison. "Children."


	18. Hidden Skeletons

_I know it has been a really long time since I updated this fic, but I hope some of you still want to read it.  
_

* * *

"Hey, Abs," Tony greeted as he stepped into the bullpen, wearing his usual trademark DiNozzo Grin.

"Morning, Tony."

Abby was standing in the middle of the NCIS Squad Room and, as always, was full of enthusiasm and energy.

"Why are you late, DiNozzo," she demanded, imitating Gibbs fairly well.

"I slept in." Tony didn't went to the details.

"Alone?"

"Ha-ha," Tony made a short laugh and shook a finger at her, but seemed a little sheepish.

Abby grinned.

"Why are everyone so late today?" she wondered. "Even Gibbs isn't here yet."

"Abby, it's 0730," Tony reminded the goth. "And by the way, we are not officially late if Gibbs isn't here yet."

"Yeah, that's a good point. Morning, McGee," she greeted her friend.

"Morning, Abs," McGee replied. "Why are you up here?"

Abby shrugged. "Got bored down there."

"Yeah, you know, that's strange," Tony interrupted. "We haven't had any murder for a week. Maybe they got scared of us."

"Who got scared of you?" Ziva asked instead of greeting her partner. "Good morning," she said to McGee and Abby.

Tony turned around quickly. Why the heck did she always have to sneak up to him like that? "The murderers, Zee-vah. And good morning to you, too."

Ziva chuckled. "Sadly, they never get enough scared of us."

"Yeah." Tony looked thoughtful.

"At least you will not be without activity today," Ziva continued.

McGee furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember what paperwork they still had unfinished. He quickly searched his brain and found none. Everything was done days ago. "What activity do you mean?" he asked slowly, wondering if he had missed something. "We're out of paperwork."

Ziva gave him a quick glance and turned back to Tony, looking him in the eye.

"We have a sensitivity training today," Ziva informed her colleagues.

They all groaned.

"Again?" Tony asked, clearly not considering sensitivity training as an "activity". "Where do you get that?"

"From a reliable source."

It was clear Ziva would not reveal more, so Tony gave up. He looked out of the window.

"Are you planning on skipping this one too?" Abby asked suspiciously.

"I don't know," Tony said and pandiculated.

Ziva approached him. "By the way, where were you the last time?"

"Far, far away," he declared.

"Come on, Tony, we're not gonna tell Gibbs," Abby joined Ziva's side.

"Nope. Even I have my own hidden skeletons."

Ziva stared at him in complete surprise and disbelief. "You are saying that you are the one who stole Ducky's skeleton?"

"What?" Tony asked, his surprise matching hers.

"Ducky is missing a skeleton?"

"Where do you take that info?"

"Who told you that?"

"When did it happen?"

Questions came down to Ziva like rain. She raised her hands to stop the flow of questions.

"Enough. I did not understand any of those questions."

"Where do you take that Ducky is missing a skeleton?" Abby asked breathlessly, trying to be the first to ask.

"He told me. I met him down there." Ziva pointed to the floor.

"Why do you think I took it?" Tony was confused.

"That is very simple. You just said it."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. You said that you have some hidden skeletons. Where else would you get those?"

Abby laughed, staring at Ziva like she were the funniest thing ever.

Ziva looked at her in confusion.

"What is so funny here?" she didn't understand.

"It's an expression, Ziva," Abby told her Israeli friend, "it doesn't mean that he actually has skeletons hidden somewhere. It means he has some secrets he doesn't want to reveal."

"Secrets about Ducky's missing skeleton?" Ziva still didn't understand.

McGee decided to help Abby.

"No, Ziva, the saying has nothing to do with the skeletons."

Ziva shook her head. "As I have said before, English is indeed a very confusing language."

Abby gave her an understanding smile.

Suddenly they all heard the sound of an arriving elevator. They expected to see Gibbs with his usual morning coffee, but they didn't. Instead they saw Ducky with a very annoyed and troubled look.

"Oh, my dears, haven't any of you seen a skeleton wandering around here somewhere?" he asked as he reached them.

"You missing one, Duck?" Now it was indeed Gibbs.

"Unfortunately yes, Jethro, I'm afraid I am."

"I hazily remember seeing one in the parking lot. He was sharing invitations to the sensitivity training we're going to attend today."

Ducky seemed rather displeased with Gibbs' answer.

"Jethro, this is no time to make jokes. We are facing a serious problem. Someone stole a skeleton from my morgue."

"Nah, maybe you're right. It just seemed so good an opportunity for a little joke."

Gibbs started heading to the catwalk.

"Jethro!" Ducky rushed after him.

"What's up with Gibbs?" McGee asked, glancing at his coworkers whose expression matched his.

"I have no idea," Tony replied slowly.

* * *

_Please review.  
_


	19. Let the Cat Out of the Bag

_Okay, first of all I am really sorry I haven't updated. I just get sooo lazy sometimes. But here's a new chapter for you all. See, it's right there. Go read it, and don't come attacking me.  
_

* * *

"Come on, tell me." Anthony DiNozzo was really starting to annoy his partner, Mossad officer Ziva David. He had been trying to chat her up for over ten minutes, but she was hard as rock.

"No." Ziva was completely engrossed in her computer. Apparently Tony's attempts at getting her to talk to him had been pointless.

He squatted down in front of her desk and looked up to her. "Will you tell me someday in the future?" Tony asked hopefully when he received no sign of attention from her.

"Of course," Ziva assured him, staring at the screen.

A content smile spread over Tony's face.

"When the cows fly," she added.

Tony's smile faded.

"Pigs," he corrected his partner automatically.

"What?" Ziva asked absentmindedly, without even looking at him.

"Pigs," he said louder. What could be so interesting on that computer screen, that would get her full attention?

"I am not deaf, Tony. What is with the pigs?"

"They fly."

"They do?" Ziva finally looked up from the screen, surprise clearly visible on her face.

Tony rolled his eyes.

"No, they don't. That's an expression."

"Oh," she said, sounding like she hadn't listened to anything he had said.

Tony let out a loud, deep sigh. "The right expression would be 'When the pigs fly'. Pigs. You said cows," he explained, though he suspected it was pointless. She didn't care the slightest about idioms right now.

Tony wondered what could be so interesting at the screen of her computer, but Ziva had already forbidden him to look. Twice. She had implied there wouldn't be a third time.

Tony gave up the futile task of getting her attention and dawdled back to his own desk.

"Tony, come and take a look at that."

It took almost all of Tony's willpower to resist his curiosity, jump up and run to her desk. Instead he moaned. "I was by your desk less than a minute ago. Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I just found it," Ziva replied sharply, "but if you do not want to see that, don't come."

Tony saw the opportunity slipping away from his hands like a piece of slime. "No, no, I wanna see that," he quickly assured her. "Whatever there is, I want to see that."

Ziva snorted at his eagerness. "Of course you do."

Tony thought it best to not answer to that backchat.

"Am I now allowed to look?" he asked just in case she had changed her mind.

"Would I be asking?"

"I hope not," Tony mumbled and peeked over her shoulder to the screen of her monitor. There was a fullscreen picture on it.

His mouth fell open. He just couldn't hide his obvious surprise and shock.

"Is that-?"

Ziva nodded.

"McGee, come and look," she called over the bullpen.

She unnecessarily pointed at the screen. McGee stared at the screen, his expression not far behind Tony's.

"Ziva, do you really think we should be showing him such things?"

Ziva gave Tony a contemptuous look.

McGee didn't bother to be offended by that."Tony, I have seen these things before, I just didn't think that the two of them would actually..."

"Where's Gibbs?"

They all looked up, startled, but they didn't see anything more frightening than Abby.

"What are you all looking at?" she asked curiously and came over to take a look too. "Aww," she said as she saw the picture. "They are so cute together, don't you guys think that?"

Tony smiled at her and looked around with a fearful look. "If Gibbs sees us looking at that..." he shivered. There was no need to finish that sentence.

"Hey, don't be so hard on him. After all this isn't anything he hasn't seen already," Abby defended Gibbs, looking at Tony like he had just offended her mother or something.

"Abby, did you look at the picture? If Gibbs sees us watching that, if he finds out that we have that photo..." Tony couldn't find the right words to describe that terrifying opportunity.

"He'll pretty much slaughter us," Ziva finished his statement.

"Yeah," Tony mumbled and looked around suspiciously as if Gibbs could just jump out from a corner and slap them silly. He probably could, but right now he was nowhere to be seen.

"But still, they are only kissing," McGee stated.

Tony and Ziva looked at the younger agent, seriously questioning his healthy mind. Had the Probie gone insane? "Only kissing? Even if that would be the only thing they are doing, it would be bad enough for us," Ziva reminded him, earning a look from McGee.

"Hell, if they were eating a pie together and we had a picture of it, it would be bad for us," Tony contemplated. "But this..." he gestured at the screen, shaking his head sadly as if his death sentence had just been read out. If Gibbs were there, it probably would've been exactly the case.

Ziva nodded slowly. McGee didn't look very convinced.

"Probie, come back to the land of real people," Tony said and slapped McGee on the back of the head. "This isn't about what exactly they are doing, this is about they doing it at all. And us looking at it."

McGee rubbed his head. "Thank you, Tony, but that really wasn't necessary."

"And by the way, they are definitely not only kissing." Ziva pointed at the screen again.

"They aren't?" Tony immediately turned back to the screen, desperately trying to find something other than kissing. "What are they doing then?"

Ziva snorted, zoomed closer and pointed out a certain point.

"Jesus!" McGee commented.

"Oh my God!" Abby was enraptured. "Gibbs' hand is on the Director's butt. That's so hot."

They all looked at her in shock.

"What?" Abby asked when she saw all those shocked faces looking at her.

"You actually said that aloud." They were all gaping at her.

"Yeah. So?"

"Nothing," Tony replied. "But think of what would've happened if Gibbs had heard you."

Abby thought about that for a while. "I'd rather not."

"Exactly," Tony agreed, shivering at the thought of Gibbs hearing something like that.

"Um, Ziva," McGee broke in on that little conversation.

"Yes, McGee?"

"Where did you get that photo?"

"That," Ziva replied, "is a secret."

Abby chose McGee's side. "Tell us, Ziva, please," she pleaded, making her puppy dog face.

"No."

"Come on, let the cat out of the bag."

"I like to keep all my cats safely in the bag, thank you," Ziva stated. "That way it is sure they will all stay mine."

Tony and McGee stared at her, taking a few moments to figure out what she had meant. Abby just went along with the metaphorical talk. "We're not asking for you to release all of your cats," she assured Ziva. "Just one teeny-tiny little kitten."

"No!"

"Ziva, could you send me that photo too?" Tony suddenly asked. Now McGee turned to stare at Tony. This time it was McGee doubting Tony's healthy mind, not vice versa.

"On your own responsibility. If Gibbs finds that from your computer, I am not going to save you," Ziva warned him.

Tony made a brave face. "Yeah, I didn't think so. But I think it's worth the risk."

"Okay, I put that on an email."

Tony rushed to his own computer to take the photo. He just couldn't tear his eyes off of that.

Meanwhile the other members of Team Gibbs continued their conversation.

"You know, Abby, there is even one Gibbs' rule about that," Ziva reminded her friend.

"Never date a coworker?"

Ziva snorted quietly. "No. About not telling secrets. The best way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself."

"Second best, tell one other person, you can tell me." Abby grinned at her invitingly.

"If you must," Ziva finished the rule. "There is no third best."

"See, you can tell me," Abby assured her hopefully.

"Yes, I can, but I do not have to. The rule says 'if you must'."

Abby made a disappointed face. "There is never any fun if you don't break any rules," she argued. "Not even break, but it's good to twist the rules a bit."

"Not my rules," Gibbs commented as he walked into the bullpen with his ever-present coffee cup.

"Hi, Gibbs," Abby greeted.

Tony and Ziva both quickly clicked the photos shut, hoping he hadn't seen already.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs said after going to stand behind Tony, looking at the screen of his computer. Tony hadn't even noticed Gibbs approaching him.

"Yeah, boss?"

"What the hell are you looking at?"

Tony gulped and looked at the screen. Obviously the picture of Gibbs and Jenny wasn't the only thing he should have closed. On his screen was now a photo of a very attractive blond woman in a very inappropriate pose and very inappropriate clothing. Or more like very inappropriate _lack_ of clothing. And Tony was very sure _he_ had not opened something like that.

"I... I wasn't looking at that," he stuttered, still wondering where it might have come from. "I didn't open that window. It must be a... a commercial or something," Tony stuttered. "A... a pop-up window."

Gibbs gave him a quick headslap and went to his own desk. "If I ever see you watching porn again at work, you will be gone from here before you can even ask why."

* * *

_Anyone care to review? Any reviews will be highly appreciated._


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